The Unavoidable Reality of Conflict
The Unavoidable Reality of Conflict
Conflict is not a sign that a relationship is unhealthy or ungodly. Instead, a healthy relationship is defined by how conflict is handled. The goal is not to avoid conflict but to address it with spiritual wisdom and maturity. The starting point for resolving any conflict is to first diagnose the spiritual war within.
Application Questions:
1. Think of your last three conflicts. How did you handle them? Did you try to avoid them, or did you engage directly?
2. Do you believe a godly relationship is one without conflict? Why or why not? What does this teaching say about that?
3. Why is it important to see conflict as an opportunity for spiritual growth rather than a nuisance?
Part 1: The War Within – The Root of Conflict
The Bible teaches that the root of all external conflict is an internal spiritual war. As Romans 7:21 explains, there is an "inward law" of sin that remains in our hearts, causing us to do the very things we don't want to do. Our sinful nature, inherited from Adam, seeks to express itself in our thoughts, desires, and actions, leading to relational harm.
A crucial first step in conflict resolution is to diagnose our own heart-level problems and silence the "inner lawyer." The inner lawyer's job is to defend our actions and justify our sin, always framing the evidence to prove that we are right and the other person is wrong.
Application Questions:
1. In your next conflict, how can you deliberately silence your "inner lawyer" and focus on your own heart's condition before addressing the other person?
2. According to Proverbs 21:2, how does God's perspective on our actions differ from our own?
3. What are some common "inner lawyer" statements that you find yourself using? What sin is your inner lawyer trying to justify?
The Four-Step Progression of an Idol
James 4:1-2 gives us a clear progression of how conflict escalates from an internal sinful desire to an external fight. It’s a progression that moves from a desire to a demand, then to judgment, and finally to punishment.
Desire: A want or a craving. Not all desires are sinful.
Demand: When a desire becomes an idol and a non-negotiable entitlement. You feel you cannot be satisfied unless this desire is met.
Judgment: When the demand isn't met, you judge the other person's character and motives.
Punishment: You take action to punish the person for failing to meet your demand, such as giving the silent treatment or slandering them to others.
Application Questions:
1. In a recent conflict, can you trace this four-step progression in your own actions? What was the original desire, and how did it spiral into a demand?
2. Do you have "good" desires (like wanting a clean home or an honest conversation) that you often turn into demands? If so, what does this reveal about your heart's true focus?
3. Why is it spiritual abuse to punish a child without addressing the heart-level issue? How can you apply the four-step progression to help your children understand the mechanics of their own sinful hearts?
Part 2: A Gospel-Centered Cure
If conflict is handled biblically, it will lead to repentance and reconciliation. This cure is rooted in the humility of the gospel, where we acknowledge our own sin and receive God's grace.
1. Vertical Reconciliation First
True reconciliation with another person is only possible when we first seek vertical reconciliation with God through Christ. The gospel reminds us that Jesus took the initiative to reconcile us to God while we were still His enemies (2 Corinthians 5:18-20). This amazing grace equips us to extend that same grace and mercy to others.
Application Questions:
1. Have you ever treated a conflict with another person as more serious than your own sin against God? If so, what does that indicate about your priorities?
2. How does remembering your own need for Christ's reconciliation change your approach to conflict with others?
3. How can you take the initiative to move toward someone who has sinned against you, just as Christ did for you?
2. The Six Ingredients of Repentance
Sincere repentance is the cornerstone of reconciliation. For repentance to be genuine, it must include all six of these biblical ingredients:
1. Acknowledge Sin: Take responsibility for your part in the conflict without making excuses.
2. Sorrow for Sin: Feel godly sorrow, which is grieving that you have sinned against God, not just feeling bad because you got caught.
3. Confession of Sin: Admit your specific sin to God and to the person you've wronged, without throwing out blanket statements.
4. Shame for Sin: Feel a humble sense of shame, recognizing that your sin brings dishonor to God.
5. Hatred for Sin: Develop a genuine hatred for the sin you committed, not just the consequences.
6. Turning from Sin: Actively commit to divorcing yourself from the sin with no intention of returning to it.
Application Questions:
1. Which of these six ingredients do you find most difficult to practice? Why?
2. How does a worldly sorrow (being sorry you got caught) differ from a godly sorrow?
3. In your next conversation with someone you have wronged, how can you ensure your confession is specific and avoids excuses?
Conclusion: Pursuing Peace
The path to peace is not found by avoiding conflict but by actively pursuing it with biblical wisdom. Peacemakers seek reconciliation over personal victories. They are quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 3:18). This is the hard but rewarding work of living biblically.
Application Questions:
1. Do you find yourself more focused on being "right" in a conflict or on restoring the relationship
2. What steps can you take this week to be a better peacemaker in your relationships?
3. How does knowing that your ultimate goal is peace, not victory, change your approach to conflict?
